Friday, December 29, 2006

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I said I'd quit smoking when I turn twenty-five. That is exactly 13 days from now. And right now, I'm telling you,I'm not going to be able to do it. Why? Because I don't want it bad enough. It's a half-hearted promise motivated by I don't even know what exactly.

I also said that by the end of the year, I'd sing with a live band and start a savings account. Where am I on these? No where near. I missed my chance at my officemates wedding to jam with the band - because apparently, they weren't jamming at all. And as for the savings account, who am I kidding? It's the holiday season.

But really, those are just excuses. I could've done these if I really wanted to. I could've approached the band and requested to sing one song. I didn't even try. I could've disciplined myself to curb my holiday spending. I just kept pulling out the cash.

Why? Why do I set these goals and then not follow through?
Laziness? Apathy?

It's because I didn't want them badly enough.

I look at my life now and realize that there's no fire in my belly. Now if my boss reads this, I'm sure he'd be alarmed (although I'm also certain that he wouldn't be surprised). But it's true. What keeps me going at work is the expectation of the world to hold on to a job - especially one that is challenging, exciting, has great prospects for advancement and growth and led by someone who is passionate, open to new ideas, and a blossoming leader in his field. I'm blessed to be where I am. And yet.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but I don't want it bad enough. I like it, yes. I'd rather die than screw it up and get fired. But I honestly don't feel that push within myself. What I do want badly is the approval and the acceptance of my bosses and my colleagues. THAT seems to be my push.

I've been told that I don't exude the aura of confidence, the "tapang" and "angas" of a marketer. I'm not outspoken and admittedly take time to process things in my head and compose my thoughts before I express them. No, I am not a natural marketer. I know this. They know this. But all hope isn't lost. Cut me some slack. I've only been in this business for 8 months. You can't expect me to change overnight. And little by little, I am learning. I can be a good marketer. I can be a GREAT marketer.

But the question is, do I WANT to be a great marketer?

For my boss, being in the business is where he finds his element. The signs of resonance are there: the passion, the drive, the way he incessantly talks about the brands we're developing, the way he pushes and encourages us to excellence.

And it's very inspiring. I look at him and think, that's the kind of person I'd like to be. He has that fire in his belly that I spoke about earlier.

Maybe the question is not being wanting to be a great marketer, but wanting to simply bloom where I am planted. And right now, I am planted here - and this is where I should bloom and shine.

Heart. My boss always talks about heart in doing things.

The question is, is mine in this? And in every other thing I choose in life?

I'm tired of being tired. I want to be on fire.

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